Nov 20 2008
Mom
I am overwhelmed today by a deep sorrow that I have been in denial of for several months now. My mother’s life is coming to an end. I have such mixed emotions I don’t know what to do with them. I have been crying all day.
I tried to talk to Mom this morning. The past three weeks she has been unresponsive to my questions and conversation. When I ask her a question I hear Missy in the background saying, “You have to say the word Granny. Aunt Sandra can’t see you nod.” Mom will whisper, “Yes.”
Yesterday I talked to Missy and she told me that Mom has to have mittens put on her hands now because she is gouging her thighs until they bleed. She is forming the contractures consistent with end stage Alzheimer’s and Missy is doing some physical therapy exercises on her.
When I remember the vital, independent woman my mother was, it breaks my heart to think of her like this. It hurts so much sometimes I just can’t breathe. Do I want her to continue to just exist? Or would I rather see her go home to her God and be well and whole again? The answer is not simple. I do not want her to suffer any longer and if she could have her say, she would tell us she would rather die.
On the other hand, when she dies I will have lost the only person on this earth who has loved me unconditionally all my life. No matter what, my mother has always been there for me. She has been my rock and I could turn to her at any time for anything. But this is just me feeling sorry for myself for my loss rather than thinking of her gain.
When I pray for her I just ask God to surround her with peace because I know in her jumbled mind she is not at peace. Missy says Mom cries all the time she is awake, and she was crying when I talked to her this morning. I read her two stories and that seemed to calm her but what, I wonder, happens after I hang up? Does anyone up there ever read her stories? Do they tell her that they love her?
What will I do without my mother in my world?
